I spent this past weekend at the North Seattle Community College, training with folks from all over the world at the Endo seminar. Among the people there was Jean Rene-Leduc Sensei from Nelson, British Colombia. He’s a 5th dan and a student of Takeda Shihan. I try to take ukemi from him whenever I can since he’s the closest to touching Takeda Shihan without going to Japan. Usually, I have a blast getting thrown by him. But for some reason, not this time. I kept walking right into his “space”, crossing lines he’s drawn. Good ukes should be able to see these lines and move accordingly. I didn’t. Not only that, he said I was sluggish, out of shape.

I was very demoralized afterwards. Why? Because I used to be able to take the Takeda style ukemi. This particular ukemi is very high energy and requires sharp sensitivity to “lines” drawn by nage. It is not a very martial ukemi, at least not superficially. But it is ukemi specifically suited to the waza practiced by Takeda Shihan and his students. I used to be good at it. Now I’m not. Which by itself is not a big thing. But it seems I’ve psychologically linked my ukemi ability directly to my ability to take this specific style of ukemi. All of sudden, I began to doubt my ability to take ukemi from anyone. Yikes! The last thing you want is to lose your confidence when taking ukemi. It’s a sure way to get hurt.

It is natural to be attached to some image of yourself, particularly if that image is a positive one. In most instances, I suspect it’s a good thing. But in my case, all it took was one example of how that image is flawed and - poof! - what was once positive became an instant negative. And if you have any other images tied to this one image - watch out! Better call your therapist.

I’ve been noticing a similar attachment lately at work. I’m a software engineer - a programmer who write computer code for a living. I just had my performance review. It was glowing - I’m dependable, communicate well, and write bug-free code. My managers throw praises like there’s no tommorrow. I am, by nature, a very humble person. But I have to say that it’s very hard not to give in to this extremely positive image that my bosses seem to have of me. Pretty soon, I’m going to think I’m indispensable, that I deserve a six figure salary, that I should take a six month sabbatical, confident that my job will still be around because … you know, I’m a rock star.

I know I’m not. I know that because of the number of bugs our Quality Assurance department send my way. I’m not perfect. Just like I’m not perfect with my ukemi. I will always need to work on it. Fortunately, I trained with other skilled aikidokas this past weekend. My ukemi was just fine with them. I know this because they told me how much fun it was training with me afterwards. So I guess I don’t suck entirely.

I learned a lot at the Endo seminar. It was a treat to be taught by Endo Sensei. But the most important lesson for me is the danger of being attached to any one image or thing. In aikido, we are taught to not grab our ukes; to not focus so much attention on our hands and feet; to keep your head up and to look out at the horizon - all are tips on how not to be attached as you do your technique. So too should we similarly not be attached when off the mat.

I am reminded of a phrase from the book Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman.  It’s not an exact quote but it goes something along the line, “See things for what they are, not what you want them to be.”  Only then can you deal with life objectively, opening up options that you otherwise would not have if you commit to one way or another.  When you think about it, isn’t that one of the core teachings of aikido?